Saturday died in my arms last night. yesterday i had a feeling it would be that day. i just had a feeling. i have never watched something die before. he wouldn’t eat or drink and just wanted to snuggle, and as soon as he stopped breathing, his teeth clenched and his entire body went stiff. i was really confused and am really fucking sad. he had a nice last day, though. after i came home from the darkroom my dad and i gave him a warm bath in the backyard while he nibbled on apples. then i wrapped him up in a little towel burrito and we walked all around the neighborhood and it sounds stupid but i just showed him all these flowers, because i thought maybe he, in his lil rabbit brain, would think they were really pretty or something. i think he did. and i talked to him a lot yesterday, more than usual. told him about when i first met him, told him about a bunch of nice times we’d had together in case he’d forgotten in his old age. i sound retarded being this sentimental about a rabbit but honestly he was one of my best friends. and when someone or something is there almost your whole life, whether it’s a person, or an animal, or even something dumb like a table or a blanket, you feel it when it leaves. i suppose it was time. but it doesn’t make it easier. he has been there almost my whole life. (14 years! he was insane) it’s crazy. fuck. loved that little buddy. so fucking much.
This is so upsetting. It reminds me of Jordan’s last days. I remember he got very skinny very quickly (and he was quite the chubby little doggy) so I would make him different sandwiches filled with different meats and cheeses. I also remember talking a lot with him too on his last few days. Sometimes crying my heart out because I knew the day was coming. Jordan knew too. He would just sit with me, look at me unblinkingly and lick my cheeks with tears streaming down them. And I let him sit on the lounge too (which he was never allowed to). I didn’t have it in me to go to the vet and see him be put down. Sometimes I wish I went. Just to say that last goodbye. It’s not sad to have this unexplainable connection with a pet - like it’s a person, your best friend - it’s actually one of the best things a person can experience.
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